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Posts tagged ‘divorce’

For Better after Worse

I mentioned recently that I’m reading Liz Gilbert’s Committed. She talks about her first marriage a bit, and the “mere” sadness that ended it. Obviously her sadness was not “mere” at all, or it wouldn’t have ended her marriage. It was grinding and pervasive and permanent and all-consuming.

Or so it seemed at the time.

I know many people who have become that sad – that trapped – by their marriages, and been infinitely happier when they left.

marriage vowHere’s the thing: I’ve been that sad in my marriage. I’ve had those days (weeks … months … years) where I honestly thought the only escape from my matrimonial hell would be divorce – or death.

Crying secretly, so no one finds out.

A hurt so real that it’s a physical pain that drives into your joints without relent.

And absolutely no prospect of light or joy on the horizon ever again.

Someone once told me that can sometimes happen in a marriage. And they told me it would pass.

I’ll admit that when I was buried in that mire, I didn’t let myself hope for a moment that it could possibly ever need, that anything could ever be good or right again with us.

But that dear, wise person was right. It passed. (More than once!)

one of the advantages of marriageRight now, we’re happier than we’ve ever been. And our relationship is deeper and more honest than ever before.

I don’t know if this heartbreaking, gut-wrenching agony is a natural part of marriage. I really hope it isn’t. But when I was there, I felt like I owed it to the love we had once, and the young and optimistic girl I once was, to see if – just maybe – my friend had the right of it and things could get better.

I certainly don’t think people should stay in a situation that is toxic in any way, whether it’s abuse of some kind, or it generates that numbing depression that slowly engulfs you in nothing from the inside out.

For me (for us) it was worth it to stick it out. And if it happens again, I hope I’ll remember the lesson.

Sunday Ramblings

So it’s Sunday here in our little corner of the Enchanted Wood.

The girls are playing a semi-networked game of Animal Jam. Goldilocks is on the giant sleeper couch, a couch so heavy  that I use is in my work out routine in a fairly fruitful bid to build up some bass. (Yes ladies, I’m bringing booty back!) She’s got her legs sprawled haphazardly over the back, and her head is facing towards the massive screen. Upside down. As you do. Golden curls tumble groundwards as an elegant pale arm defies physics and basic human anatomy to control the mouse which, in her current configuration, is somewhere above and to the right of her head.

Red Riding Hood perches stork-like in front of her computer: one knee is balanced on her chair (who would ever waste a chair on an entire derriére?), while the other leg is on the floor at an angle that makes my eyes water. She’s leaning on the desk and I just can’t imagine how any of it is comfortable or at all good for her little I-need-OT spine.

Oh well. I’m looking the other way. Just for today (probably ;)).

There’s been a lot going on round these parts lately. I may have mentioned (and if not, I should have done!) that my totally amazing sister, Aunty Em (aka ShellShell) is getting married. She’s met her very own Mr Perfect, the date is set, the dress is bought AND (my own particular highlight) today I found The. Perfect. Shoes. Seriously: amazeballs. Now they just have to have my size. And the moment that they do has to coincide with the moment that I have cash in my wallet. Since that moment pretty much never happens, this may not be quite the highlight I’m shooting for, but I live in hope :D.

Less happy news is that my folks are splitting up. I know that’s about the opposite of the happy news I’ve just shared but the truth is that it’s about time. They’ve been really unhappy for a really long time, and I hope they find what they’re looking for now.

About ten days ago, my bestie moved to Oz to start the next part of her life adventure. It’s so great for her and her family, and so sad for all of us left behind. She’s gone ahead, to set everything up, while her other half and gorgeous kids wrap things up over here. We’ve been lucky enough to get to babysit the kids for the last two weeks, and will do so next week, too. Along the way we’ve managed to share a little of the ‘flu that resulted from the youngest’s two-day-adventure at “real school”, which has served as a valuable reminder as to why we DON’T send our kids to one of those places.

(I’ll admit, sometimes it’s tempting to imagine having whole hours at a time without interruptions or noise of any kind … so tempting. But when I think about the cost of those few precious hours of sanity, how could I live with myself?

I don’t think I could.)

So, it’s one wedding, one divorce, one emigration, (no funerals, thank heavens), and a few guilty moments imagining a different solution. That about wraps it up, I guess. Happy new week!

What marriage is … and isn’t

I am one of the lucky ones. Growing up the way we did, we got to see what works in marriage – and what doesn’t. That means I knew what I wanted when I chose my man, and I knew what I needed to do and to be. I didn’t come into this arrangement with a string of expectations and idealistic fantasies. I knew marriage is about hard work, and I’d found the man I was willing to do the work to keep. I also knew that what I wanted from life was not marriage, and what was missing from me couldn’t be filled by a man, no matter how awesome he is.

Only God can fill that gap.

Yep, I’m one of the lucky ones. That doesn’t mean we haven’t faced our share of trials, and sometimes I’ve honestly wondered if we had what it takes to keep it together. I am sure we all have. And I’m sure we will again. What I do know, though, is that a marriage built on God is hard to shake.

That’s why I love this video.

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