Home business, home education and health challenges: what makes us tic?

Posts tagged ‘envy’

To be … and what to be

As I pondered my pathway to happiness the other night, and dug down into the root of who I am with my series of pointed questions, the second thing I considered was this:

5 things I want to be:

  1. A good wife
  2. Faithful to God
  3. A brilliant mother
  4. An inspirer of the downtrodden
  5. Good at what I do (this one deserves its own post)

After some serious soul-searching (ha! alliteration!) I admitted that id I could be faithful to God, growing in His Word, I would be a good and loving wife, a wise and brilliant mother, and an encourager.

So that’s my next step: confess my terrible attitude, my anger about my expectations not being met (whether they are “reasonable” or not), my seething hatred for everything around me – particularly those things that contribute to my imminent eviction and inability to feed my babies. Then get back to my daily time with God, catch up what I’ve missed, and above all, humbly meditate on His Word.

I started that yesterday, and today I read Proverbs 23, which really speaks to all that we are facing right now. As I confessed my pride and self-righteousness, my bitterness and anger, my envy and hatred, it was if the dark and twisty cobwebs cluttering my mind started to disintegrate, and I am beginning to make out the shadow of a plan, a purpose to all of this.

In the interests of full disclosure, I must hasten to explain that, even though I have laid these things on the altar – more than once in the last 24 hours – they are still there in the background, seething, percolating, waiting for the next set back to knock me off course. I find it very hard to stay on course, and while I know I can’t do it in my own strength – I need Him – I feel utterly alone in the effort. And everything else.

Be still and KNOW

Although, perhaps not utterly. For months, years even, I have been praying for a Godly woman to provide wise counsel and the right perspective, and last night I got that, long after I’d given up the hope of that prayer being answered.

Perhaps He does care about the state of my soul, after all.

Actions steps:

  • Achieve at least three items on my To Do list
  • Spend at least half an hour with the girls focused on something creative and fun
  • Spend time in prayer and reading God’s Word

Verses

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Lesson #18: The Blessing Dare

Talk about your joys!It’s been so long since I posted! We went away to a remote farm in the middle of nowhere and the logistics of that trip have taken every spare ounce of thought processing power. I’ll dedicate a post to that some time soon, but this is more important.

Over the past few weeks I have been struck more and more by the idea of giving back in real, tangible ways that make an impact on the lives of those we know and love. As I so often find when our Lord is at work, this message has been coming at me from many angles and this past weekend was something of a melting pot in which everything arrived, boiled together and bubbled over into an Idea.

You see, before we moved seven years ago, we had Things. Steady jobs (with great salaries that we really did not appreciate). Cars (plural!). A house (which we owned). Friends, family, plans and all the rest. We gave a fixed monthly stipend to the Church but it certainly wouldn’t qualify as any kind of tithe. It wasn’t much more than a tithe of a tithe, in truth.

And we gave back.

Need new tyres for your car? Here we are. A place to stay? No problem. Food? Clothes? A home for your pets? Baby sitters? Money for movies? A lift to the movies? A night out? A lift home because your car broke down? A tow for your broken car? Fixing your broken car? Sure thing. We loved to give back and it was wonderful to be able to contribute to the lives of our friends and families in this real, tangible way. We never, ever even considered that this was a season in our lives, a time of blessing and learning and personal growth. In fact, we assumed that we were good, kind, generous, hard working and talented individuals who deserved what we had and would thus always have it.

Ha ha ha ha …

The past seven years have been sobering, to say the least. Having lost nearly everything we now mostly find ourselves on the flip side of that equation. Let me tell you about it: it sucks. You’d think it would be great to have people helping you out along the way, meeting your needs, caring for you. It is, and we appreciate it. But always being on the receiving end? Not so much of fun. We’re ill-equipped and we don’t enjoy it. Our pride has taken a serious knock and daily we have to learn a new lesson about faith in God’s provision. If we don’t have it, we don’t need it. Simple. It doesn’t matter what anyone says or thinks – not the banks, creditors, empty fridge … God said He’s meet our needs. He never lies nor breaks promises. Therefore, what we have is what we need.

I’ve started to notice a subtle mind shift in myself which is so insidious it’s almost diabolical. It cam disguised as a package deal of Faith + Humility. What it is, however, is greed and covetousness. Not only graciously accepting the gifts we’re given so many times by those around us, but actually looking for gifts, expecting help, support and more from those around us. Certainly, that attitude cannot honour God.

And so I’ve decided to start giving back. I’m looking for creative ways to outgive those who give to me. I am time-strapped and cash-strapped and sometimes stress and sleep-deprivation make me creativity-strapped too. But I’m praying for the ability to spot needs and to think of creative solutions to those needs that I can be a conduit of in some way – even if only in prayer (which is, after all, our most powerful asset).

I’ve challenged the ladies in our Church to join me in this blessing dare: let’s each try to outgive each other (and everyone else) this week! I even wrote the words:

“Who can I bless today, and how?”

on a piece of paper and stuck it to the ceiling above my bed, so that it’s the first thing I see each morning when I wake up, the last each night when I go to bed.

There’s more to this – so much more – but for now I challenge you to join me in the Blessing Dare: who can you bless today, and how?

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