As I pondered my pathway to happiness the other night, and dug down into the root of who I am with my series of pointed questions, the second thing I considered was this:
5 things I want to be:
- A good wife
- Faithful to God
- A brilliant mother
- An inspirer of the downtrodden
- Good at what I do (this one deserves its own post)
After some serious soul-searching (ha! alliteration!) I admitted that id I could be faithful to God, growing in His Word, I would be a good and loving wife, a wise and brilliant mother, and an encourager.
So that’s my next step: confess my terrible attitude, my anger about my expectations not being met (whether they are “reasonable” or not), my seething hatred for everything around me – particularly those things that contribute to my imminent eviction and inability to feed my babies. Then get back to my daily time with God, catch up what I’ve missed, and above all, humbly meditate on His Word.
I started that yesterday, and today I read Proverbs 23, which really speaks to all that we are facing right now. As I confessed my pride and self-righteousness, my bitterness and anger, my envy and hatred, it was if the dark and twisty cobwebs cluttering my mind started to disintegrate, and I am beginning to make out the shadow of a plan, a purpose to all of this.
In the interests of full disclosure, I must hasten to explain that, even though I have laid these things on the altar – more than once in the last 24 hours – they are still there in the background, seething, percolating, waiting for the next set back to knock me off course. I find it very hard to stay on course, and while I know I can’t do it in my own strength – I need Him – I feel utterly alone in the effort. And everything else.
Although, perhaps not utterly. For months, years even, I have been praying for a Godly woman to provide wise counsel and the right perspective, and last night I got that, long after I’d given up the hope of that prayer being answered.
Perhaps He does care about the state of my soul, after all.
- Achieve at least three items on my To Do list
- Spend at least half an hour with the girls focused on something creative and fun
- Spend time in prayer and reading God’s Word