“Father.” My cry was desperate. Pleading. Almost whining. “Lord, I just want to hear You.”
“Why?”
The answer boomed silently through me, it’s existence entire and enormous and still.
“Because I want to know what You have planned for me… what You want me to be doing.”
Petulant.
Desperate.
“I know the plans I have for you.”
“Well, yes. I know that. But I want to know them. I want to hear from You. You’re so silent and I can’t be without You.”
“Why do you want to know.”
“So that I can serve You. So that I can know what comes next. So that I can be whole.”
I didn’t say, “Because it’s so darn cool when you speak to me!”… But I thought it. Loudly.
“Why do you want to be whole?”
“You know. So that I can serve You.”
“I don’t need you to be whole to serve Me. I never told you to be fixed before I could use you. All I asked was your service – as you are. I’ll fix you along the way. Or not. Whatever works best for reaching the people I want you to reach for me. I love them so much. You will, too.
But they’re pretty broken. And they need to see your brokenness and watch Me mend it. Or not. And see GRACE.
I don’t want you whole. I want you. I’m not waiting until you’re fixed. I love you now.”
“But – I mean. I’m so broken. There’s so much mess. It’s everywhere. Nothing’s the way it should be. I’m in shattered pieces and I can’t serve You like this. I can’t even hear You. How can I do Your will if I don’t know what it is? If you won’t speak to me??”
“You’re not hearing Me.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying – oh. I see.”
“Let them see the broken bits. I’m making something beautiful. Be transparent while it happens. It’s the only way the Light can get through.”
And so, I’m back. It’s been two years and I’m here: broken, shattered, mending, healing… being made new. And you get to see.
Joy on a Shoestring 