One year sober

Today marks one year since I stopped drinking.

I hadn’t actually realised that it was today, until I saw this post from Brené Brown. For her, May 31st marked 23 years of sobriety, which kind-of makes my one year seem a little… little.

But it’s a personal victory for me.

I didn’t drink when I was pregnant, of course. But outside of gestation, I think the longest (and only) time I’ve skipped a nightcap is eight months. So this is already 50% better than that. Huzzah!

Now I should probably explain…

I wasn’t exactly paralytically drunk on a regular basis. In fact, I’ve only ever been blind drunk less than a handful of times in my life. And I only started drinking when I was 18 (although that’s more than half a lifetime ago).

I rarely drank more than a small glass of wine a night. But it was every night. And if I didn’t, well… that basically didn’t happen.

When we were low on money, I’d start getting anxious about the pending prospect of not having a drink. When the bottle was nearly empty, I would panic if there wasn’t another one in the cupboard. I would prioritise wine on my shopping list and sometimes sacrifice the quality of food I bought for my family in favour of saving a few pennies towards a bottle of wine. I’ve even left items off the grocery list if I couldn’t afford them AND wine.

I love wine. I love the taste, the colour, the smell. I love the cachet of being – exclusively – a drinker of fine dry red wine. I loved the way it made me feel. I told myself (and others) that red wine is good for the body and good for the soul.

Friends and I would gather and bond over a good (enough) bottle of fine(ish) wine and shared woes. Evenings would pass and life would be bearable.

And that was the problem.

I drank to survive.

Not much. Not that often. But the issue was never how much, or even when I drank. It was why.

I drank to soften the blows of another hard, hard day at work. I drank to be kind to idiots. I drank to stay married.

People said I was funnier when I drank. Even my kids liked me better after a glass of wine (less anxious; more lenient).

I liked myself better (or, you know, at all) when I’d had a glass of wine. I was funny. I was outspoken. I was assertive. I was strong.

But I was not okay.

So one day, one year ago, I stopped drinking.

…

And, you know? Brené is right. That IS when my life started to sparkle.

Since then, I have had hard days at work. I have had to interact with idiots. And I am still married. I have learned to be funny sober, and shed a lot of anxiety. I’ve learned to be assertive and to stand up for what is right. This has been a hard, hard year and I am learning to be strong by leaning (hard) on the only One who can give me strength.

He says I am chosen, approved, loved.

He says I am enough.

And that’s all I need.